The Life of Elrond
by Legolas and Gimli
Summary: All about Elrond, water, and anger. Please review. Book-verse. V. funny. Chapter Three up, let the council commence... oh dear.
1. The Battle of Dagorlad

Disclaimer: Hello once again I have to type. OK, we don't own anything. Nothing at all. But of all things we just WISH we owned Elrond and his Eyebrows of DOOM! OK, we have no idea whether Celebrian was still in Middle- earth at the time of the Battle of Dagorlad, but for our own purposes, she is now.  
  
On with the show!  
Chapter One: The Last Alliance.  
  
The battle was raging around him and Elrond was throroughly enjoying himself. He hadn't been in a good battle since last weeks good battle. And he had missed it, having to stay at home for anger management classes. As he was running around slaying orcs (as you do in a battle) there was a yell from behind him.  
  
"Elroooooond!"  
  
"Oh no...." muttered Elrond under his breath. He turned round to see Galadriel running towards him, holding up her (still strangely white) skirts to avoid tripping.  
  
"Elrond, I have a message from you wife!"  
  
"What does she want NOW!?"  
  
"She wants to know where your water is!"  
  
"*I've finished it!*" cried Elrond indignantly.  
  
Galadriel came to a halt in front of him, completely oblivious to the raging battle. "Well then you must have another glass, Elrond. How many have you had today?"  
  
"I've already had *three*!"  
  
"Well that's not enough now, is it? You know you have to drink eight a day."  
  
"Why!?" Elrond demanded sulkily.  
  
"To help with your temper!"  
  
"I don't HAVE a temper!" he yelled angrily.  
  
"Yes you do. Now drink your water."  
  
"But... but...!" Elrond stuttered in annoyance, an expression of bewildered annoyance on his face.  
  
"Elrond Half-Elven!" Galadriel scolded, "You must do as you're told! No 'but's'!"  
  
"That is SO unfair, Galadriel!" cried Elrond, waving his arms around, "Why do you always BOSS me about!?"  
  
"Because I'm your mother-in-law and you have to listen to me!"  
  
"Can I go and get on with the Battle now?!"  
  
"Drink your water!"  
  
Elrond grumbled to himself, scowling heavily with those magnificent eyebrows of his, but drank the water anyway.  
  
"Thankyou. Now, make sure you're home before it gets dark."  
  
"It's ALWAYS dark!!!!"  
  
"Well be home for tea, then."  
  
"FINE! Can I GO now!?"  
  
"Yes. Have a nice day, lovey." Galadriel waved merrily at him, and walked off to find Celeborn who no doubt had got himself into some kind of trouble and hadn't realised. Behind him, Elrond could hear Gil-galad chuckling to himself. He turned to face him:  
  
"SHUT UP!!!!!!" Gil-galad immediately went quiet, as would you if Elrond screamed that in your face.  
  
All of a sudden (dramatic drum-roll please) Sauron walked onto the field, breathing heavily in a Darth Vader impression. There is an exclamation (no doubt from Celeborn) of "Ooh!! Who's that!? Is he on our side!?"  
  
Gil-galad and Elendil rush forward valiently and spontaneously combust (burst into flame). This enrages Elrond even further.  
  
"Well that's just GREAT! Fancy going and LEAVING me at a time like THIS! I suppose now *I* have to lead the Elven-army, I suppose now *I* have to kill Sauron!!" he pauses for a moment, "No, wait, Isildur's done it. Well I suppose now *I* have to organise Isildur and everybody!"  
  
"Lord Elrond!" Círdan came running up, his sword in his hand and his beard tucked into his belt, "We must get the Ring from Isildur, or get him to throw it into Mount Doom!"  
  
"Oh! Now Isildur has the RING! Well that's just BRILLIANT isn't it!?!? Stupid man..." Elrond sheaths his sword and storms off to find Isildur.  
  
"Isildur, destroy the Ring."  
  
"Why?" Isildur asked pleasantly, "I like this Ring. 's pretty."  
  
"Well it's bloody EV-IL! We've got to destroy it!!!"  
  
"Else it will destroy us," Círdan put in helpfully.  
  
At this point, Thranduil stalks past, muttering to himself, "Stupid parents... stupid father... and he said I didn't know what *I* was doing! And then what's he do? Charges into battle too early and gets himself killed, I mean that's just fanTASTIC... parents... who needs them?"  
  
"Hear hear!" Elrond called over, "I mean, my father went and left me to become a STAR I mean, really! And my brother went and became a mortal for no Valar-damn reason and Mum's a bloody swan!"  
  
"I know, I mean they're just terrible, aren't they?"  
  
Círdan began to cough loudly and suggestively. Thranduil turns to him, "What's up, Círdan? You want a strepsil?"  
  
"Elrond," Círdan began, ignoring Thranduil, "We need to do something about this Ring!"  
  
"But- but Círdan! I want to KEEP it! Pleeeeeease can I!?" Isildur gave Círdan big puppy-dog eyes, dropped down on his knees and begged.  
  
"Well we can always make you a new one, Isildur..."  
  
"But I want this one, cos it's pretty!"  
  
"Well... alright then. But you mustn't put it on!" Círdan warned, wagging his finger at the King of Gondor.  
  
"I won't! I promise!"  
  
"CÍRDAN!!!" cried Elrond, aghast.  
  
"What? Oh come on, could you resist that look?"  
  
"YES!!"  
  
"Well you would wouldn't you." Círdan turns and begins to walk away.  
  
Elrond huffed and puffed indignantly for a while before managing to scream out: "WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!? CÍRDAN, GET BACK HERE!!!" and with that, he ran off after him.  
  
Thranduil and Isildur are left on the field of Dagorlad, just as Thranduil is going to suggest leaving, Celeborn comes running up to them with an insane grin on his face. "Did we win!?!? Did we win!?!?"  
  
"Yes," Thranduil sighed wearliy, "We won."  
  
"Oh GOODIE!" Celeborn began to jump up and down, clapping his hands ecstaticly. Thranduil and Isildur look at each other.  
  
"Let's get away from him," Thranduil suggested, "he might be contagious." So they left Celeborn to his celebrations and went to organise their troops for the return home.  
  
Fin  
  
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Woohoo! More of Elrond later we think.  
  
Yeah, there's another chapter to come.  
  
Yes, Legolas. OK, review. Now. Yes. That's it. 


	2. Many Meetings

A/N: Wheee! A new chapter! Glasses of water at the ready! Let the madness commence.  
  
Poor Elrond.  
  
We own nothing. Once again, it owns us. Poor it.  
  
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The Life Of Elrond- Chapter Two  
  
Many Meetings ("Welcome to Rivendell, Mr Anderson...")  
  
P.S. That was not part of the story. We just couldn't resist.  
  
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"His strength returns..." Elrond muttered, watching Frodo and Sam cuddle each other on the porch.  
  
"That wound will never fully heal, he will carry it for the rest of his life." Gandalf said.  
  
"Oh, Gandalf, you're SO pessimistic!" Elrond moaned.  
  
Gandalf looked offended, "You can talk! You've always been more pessimistic than me!" Gandalf said.  
  
"I'm not pessimistic!" Elrond huffed, "Listen!" he put on a deep voice, "'And yet to have come so far still bearing the Ring, the Hobbit has shown extraordinary resilience to it's evil.' See!?"  
  
"'That Hobbit' has a name. But anyway, it is a burden he should never have had to bear, we can ask no more of *Frodo*." Gandalf said loftily.  
  
"Gandalf," Elrond almost exploded, "The Enemy is MOVING! Sauron's forces are MASSING in the EAST! His Eye is FIXED on RIVENDELL! And SARUMAN you tell me, has BETRAYED US! Our list of ALLIES grows THIN!!!!"  
  
Elrond took a few deep breaths, before walking slowly over to a jug and goblet, and poured himself a glass of wine. He was about to take a sip when a cry echoed through the door.  
  
"Daddy! I've found your water outside, what's it doing there?" Elrond spluttered and the wine went all down his front. Arwen came in just as Gandalf has a convenient coughing fit.  
  
"Arwen!!!!" Elrond screamed, "That was your BEST DRESS! I- I- I mean MY BEST ROBE!!!"  
  
"Cough cough." Said Gandalf. Being a powerful Istari doesn't make him a good actor.  
  
"Anyway Daddy," said Arwen, unperturbed, "You shouldn't be drinking wine. Grandma says it's bad for you!"  
  
"Interferring old bint..." Elrond muttered to himself, "Grandmother has no business poking her nose into what I do every day!" he said aloud, with as much dignity as he could muster.  
  
"What do you do everyday?" Gandalf said, curiously.  
  
"That is none of your business, you interferring old busybody!" Elrond exclaimed.  
  
"What is it with me being a busybody?" Gandalf said, looking hurt, "Is it printed on my hat or something?"  
  
"Daddy drink your water."  
  
"I don't want to!"  
  
"Daddy, you have to take it!"  
  
"No I don't!"  
  
"Daddy, I'll make Elladan and Elrohir force-feed it to you."  
  
"No you won't!"  
  
"Daddy, I'll get Glorfindel to sing to you!"  
  
"I'll plug my ears!"  
  
"Daddy, I'll get Gandalf to put a magic spell on you!"  
  
"I don't care!"  
  
"Daddy?"  
  
"What!?"  
  
"I'll tell Grandma."  
  
"OKAY! FINE! I'll drink it!"  
  
Elrond reluctantly drank the water, then thrust the glass back at Arwen, "There! Will you GO now!?"  
  
"Yes, Daddy. Just one more thing..."  
  
"What NOW!?"  
  
"If that IS my dress, you've spilt wine on then I'm going to kill you!"  
  
Elrond huffed and puffed indignantly, "Well.... YOU stole my tiara!"  
  
"That's beside the point."  
  
"Just... go away!! GLORFINDEL! SHE'S IN HERE!"  
  
There was a yell from the distance, "I'm gonna KILL you, Arwen!!!!!"  
  
Arwen scarpers.  
  
The conversation resumes, "Gandalf, the Ring cannot stay here."  
  
Gandalf looked over the balcony. A tall man with a dinner plate strapped to his back cantered in on a big bay horse, looking around nervously. A party of Elves arrived on a group of typically clean grey horses [A/N: We will, under no circumstances, accept the phrase 'white' when dealing with horses. They do not exist. So there], and a group of dwarves, walking as per usual.  
  
"This fate belongs to all of Middle-earth," Elrond continued happily, under the belief that Gandalf was listening, "They must decide now how to end it. The time of the Elves is over, my people are leaving these shores. Who will you look to when we're gone? The Dwarves? They hide in their mountains, seeking riches they care nothing for the troubles of others. [Gimli's Authors Note: And what do we do with those riches? WE MAKE HOUSES FOR YOU LOT so stop complaining! Sheesh!]"  
  
Gandalf looked up, after catching the last of the sentence, and said: "It is in Men, that we must place out hope." [A/N: Okay, your funeral.]  
  
Elrond paused, looking disgusted, "Men? Men are *weak*. Duh, Gandalf, what age are YOU living in?"  
  
Gandalf grinned, "You're half-man, does that mean you're weak?" Gandalf said.  
  
"I have Elven-strength! I chose an Elven-life! So there!" Elrond replied. "The Race of Men is failing, it's pride and dignity forgotten. It is because of Men the Ring survived. I was there, Gandalf, I was there three thousand years ago..."  
  
"God you're old." Gandalf said.  
  
[Insert flashback of previous chapter here]  
  
"There is no strength left in the world of Men, they are scattered, divided, leaderless!" Elrond conveniently forgot about Théoden, Denethor, Imrahil, and many other great leaders of Men.  
  
"There is ONE who could unite them, one who could reclaim the Throne of Gondor." Gandalf said.  
  
"He turned from that path a long time ago," said Elrond stubbornly, "He has chosen *eggsile*."  
  
"You really don't like him, do you?" Gandalf said.  
  
"No." Elrond replied flatly.  
  
"Well then why on earth did you adopt him!?" Gandalf said.  
  
"He was... cute when he was a baby." Elrond mumbled, embarassed.  
  
"Somehow, I find that very hard to imagine." Gandalf said, "I can't think why." he added sarcastically.  
  
They leave for the council. Which is conveniently located in the next chapter.  
  
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Legolas's Authors Note: I hope you like it, we spent ages writing mainly because we were in stitches and also because Sam called us on the phone.  
  
Gimli's Author's Note: For some bizarre reason we find the phrase 'Gandalf said' quite hilarious, so please excuse us.  
  
Now, go review. 


	3. The Council of Elrond Begins

A/N: Another new chapter. Please excuse the unabashed use of Bored of the Rings phrases. They do not belong to us. If you don't know which they are, what kind of life have you been living!? Get out from under that rock!  
  
Legolas: Gimli, how can they have a computer under a rock?  
  
Shut up Legolas. Anyway, I do.  
  
Legolas: Good point.  
  
Anyway, on with the chapter, in which Elrond counsels and needs to be counselled....  
  
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The Life of Elrond- chapter Three!  
  
The Council of Elrond (Nuh!)  
  
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"Strangers from distant lands, friends of old, you have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor! Middle-earth stands upon the brink of DESTRUCTION! None can escape it. You will unite or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate this one DOOM! Bring forth the Ring erm... what's your name?"  
  
"Frodo, my Lord." answered the Hobbit mentioned in the previous chapter.  
  
"Frodo, yes."  
  
Frodo walked forward and placed the Ring on the small plinth in the middle of the porch.  
  
"So it is true..." murmured the Man With The Dinner Plate On His Back.  
  
There was a general muttering among the council members. The Man With The Dinner Plate On His Back stood up. "It is a gift! A gift to the foes of Mordor! Why not use this Ring? Long has my father the Steward of Gon....."  
  
By this point, Elrond had stopped paying attention, as had many others, and glanced around.  
  
'Hm...' he thought to himself, 'There's The Smelly Man Who Fancies My Daughter, smelly, dirty and scruffy as usual... who else is here? Ah, there's The Dwarf With The Big Red Beard... otherwise can't tell the difference... erm... The Elf Who Bleaches His Hair, he's always getting in the way... The Man With The Dinner Plate On His Back, hasn't he shut up yet? Gandalf The Interferring Old Busybody and That Hobbit Called Frodo With Unnaturally Big Eyes. Eru, what a rabble!'  
  
Elrond jumped as The Man With The Dinner Plate On His Back raised his voice. "Give Gondor the weapon of the Enemy! Let us use it against him!"  
  
"You cannot wield it! None of us can. The One Ring answers to Sauron alone, it has no other master!" Aragorn growled in a raspy 'american' voice.  
  
"And what, would a *ranger* know of this matter?" sneered Boromir, annoyed that he was being referred to in the dialogue as The Man With The Dinner Plate On His Back.  
  
Suddenly, from behind Boromir, the Bleached Blonde Elf (Legolas) leapt to his feet and yelled with far too much enthusiasm. "THIS IS NO MERE RANGER!!!! He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him you allegiance."  
  
'Yeah, that's his name!' Elrond thought.  
  
"Aragorn!" Boromir turned, in awe, "*This* is Isildur's heir?"  
  
"An heir to the throne of Gondor!" Legolas blurted out in a sort of boffy know-it-all sort of way.  
  
"Havro daid, Legolas." Aragorn said.  
  
Legolas looked shocked, "NO! That's DISGUSTING!"  
  
Elrond looks offended. He knew exactly what Aragorn had said and didn't like very much. He was going to have to have words with him about using that sort of language in public.  
  
"Legolas, I asked you to sit down!"  
  
"No you didn't, you told me to !&^%&%*&$!!" Everyone at the council gasped in disgust, except Frodo, who went 'eurgh!!! What does that mean?'  
  
"Never mind," Gandalf said, "You wouldn't understand."  
  
Elrond decided this was high time to distract them from their dirty thoughts, "You have only one choice!" he said loudly and convincingly, "The Ring must be destroyed."  
  
"Then what are we waiting for!?" The Dwarf With The Big Red Beard (Gimli) leapt up and smacked the Ring with his battle-axe. The axe broke and he flew across the porch.  
  
"The Ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli son of Gloin," Elrond intoned in a dramatic voice, trying not to laugh, "By any craft that we here possess." 'Now for the best bit!' he thought excitedly, 'My dramatic speech!', "It must be taken deep into Mordor and cast BACK into the Firey Chasm from whence-"  
  
"Daddy!"  
  
"-came." Arwen ran in, holding a jug. Everyone in the council became very interested in their feet, except Legolas who became very interested in his hair, and Gandalf who leant 'casually' over Frodo to listen in. [A/N: Like we said before, he's not a very good actor] Frodo began to hum. Gandalf elbowed him sharply.  
  
"OW!" Frodo protested, "What was that for!?"  
  
"Ssssh!" Gandalf said hissily.  
  
"Daddy, you didn't finish your water this morning!" Arwen scolded.  
  
"YOU just ruined my speech!"  
  
"Well you're still wearing my dress."  
  
"One: it's not a DRESS it's a ROBE. Two: it's not the same one because I can hardly be seen in a ROBE covered in wine!"  
  
"It's my dress, Daddy. You're just disguising it as a robe. Daddy, I'm afriad I'm going to have to send you to your room."  
  
"Arwen, I'm busy!"  
  
"I don't care if you're busy! They'll just have to wait for you won't they?"  
  
Aragorn grinned at Elrond, who glared back at him. "That is SO UNFAIR!" he cried angrily, "You're so MEAN to me, Arwen!"  
  
"Go to your room." Arwen told him, sternly.  
  
"Phwuh!" said Elrond, for lack of anything better to say, and stormed off.  
  
"I'm sorry everybody," Arwen told the Council sweetly, "You'll all have to come back tomorrow." Everyone left, except for Aragorn who sat there still grinning like a maniac, and Glorfindel who was giving Arwen death glares.  
  
"Er... hello, Glorfy! Bye bye, Glorfy!" Arwen scarpered.  
  
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Legolas's Author's Note: Wheee this was fun.  
  
Gimli's Author's Note: I'm hungry.  
  
Legolas: Me too. By the way, it was only with great pain that I allowed myself to be called The Elf Who Bleaches His Hair.  
  
Gimli: I wasn't too keen on The Dwarf With The Big Red Beard, myself. But Elrond doesn't like us so there. 


End file.
